chance to flee to safety or get ra*ped. Madhuban Ahluwalia who heads up
the annual festival told reporters why the event is so important. “This
is a long time tradition in Assam dating back thousands of years,” says
Ahluwalia. “We rape the evil demons out of the girls, otherwise they
will cheat on us and we will be forced to kill them. So it is necessary
for everyone.” The Assam Festival began in 43 BC when Baalkrishan Tamil
Nadu molested everyone in his village of Doomdooma. Baalkrishan Tamil
Nadu is remembered every year at this event, in fact the trophy given to
the man with the most rapes is called “The Baalkrishan”. 24-year-old
Harikrishna Majumdar told reporters that he has been training all year
for this event. “I’m going to get the most ra*pes this year. I’ve been
practicing all year. I ra*pe my sister and her friends every day. I will
be rape superstar number one! I will get the Baalkrishan prize this
year for sure!” 12-year-old Jaitashri Majumdar told reporters she almost
made it through last year’s festival without getting ra*ped. “I came so
close to not getting ra*ped. I almost got to the ‘ra*pe-free-zone’ at
the edge of town, but at the last minute 9 men jumped on me and molested
me. Luckily I am just recovering now so I can participate in this
year’s events, otherwise I would be put to death by stoning.”
34-year-old Brian Barnett from Toronto who is visiting Assam on business
told reporters he will be missing the festivities this year. “My
company did not tell me anything about a ra*pe festival happening while I
was here. Are you serious, a ra*pe festival? I’m getting the f*ck out
of this backwards country tonight.” India is second in reported rapes in
the world only behind the United States, though critics are quick to
point out that is only because most rapes in India go unreported.
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